If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ve noticed I’ve been pretty MIA. I’ve popped in here and there, posted when I could, and continued working behind the scenes, but I haven’t really been here. I haven’t been writing, sharing, or showing up the way I used to, and there’s a pretty big reason for that.
The last few years of my life have been consumed by divorce, custody, court, attempting to co-parenting, and trying to keep life as normal as possible for my daughter while everything around us felt anything but normal. At the same time, I was still working, homeschooling, being a mom, running a household, and doing all of the everyday things that don’t magically stop just because your personal life is falling apart.
And somewhere in the middle of all of that, I stopped doing a lot of the things that made me feel like me.
I Thought I Was Taking a Break. I Was Actually Surviving.
For the longest time, I kept telling myself I would come back when things settled down. After the next court date. After the divorce was finalized. After fighting over custody felt less overwhelming. After I had time to process everything that had happened. I kept thinking there would eventually be this magical point where life would calm down and I could finally breathe again.
Spoiler alert: that point never came.
There is always something else. Another court issue, another stressful situation, another thing I needed to deal with, or just the emotional exhaustion that comes from living in survival mode for way too long. Even when nothing was actively happening, I was waiting for the next thing to happen. I didn’t realize how much of my life I had put on hold until I started looking around and realizing how much time has passed.
The weird part is that I never stopped functioning. I still worked. I still showed up for my daughter. I still handled what needed to be handled. From the outside, I probably look like I’m doing fine.
But functioning and actually living are two very different things. And I think I’m finally realizing that.
For a long time, I thought getting through the day was enough. Honestly, sometimes it had to be, but I don’t want to just get through my life anymore.
I don’t want to keep waiting for court to be over, for co-parenting to get easier, or for everything around me to finally calm down before I give myself permission to live again. There will probably always be something I can’t control because let’s be honest the father of my child and his third party are pathetic, and I’ve already given enough of my time and energy to that.
So this is me trying to find my way back to myself.
Back to writing. Back to creating. Back to doing things because I actually enjoy them. Back to talking about motherhood and life the way I always have- the good, the bad, the funny, and the shit nobody really warns you about.
I’m not coming back because everything is suddenly okay. There are still things I’m dealing with, things I’m healing from, and parts of this story I’m still living.
I’m coming back because I finally realized I don’t have to wait until the story is over to start living my life again.
So… hi. I’m back.
And I have a LOT to tell you.
xx, Steph
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